Forgiving

The First Part..

The Word “Sorry” often we said and heard. The simple things that we can say, “ I'm Sorry” or simple things that have no correlation with our feeling, we easily apologize or to forgive someone. On the contrary, it is difficult to accept the forgiveness if it makes our heart hurt. We feel difficult to forget it and accept sorry from the person that makes you feel offended. Even we often say, “ I forgive you”, or “OK, It doesn't matter”. In fact, in our heart we do not accept the forgiveness. Do you really forgive the person in your heart? The answer maybe NOT. “ I don't want to forgive him.” Thus, it makes our heart get pain and if it is not recovered, it will be a revenge. Even it is simply one word “Sorry”, the word will be valuable. On the other side, it can be a complicated situation if we are not ready to accept it.

As a matter of fact, forgiving someone is not easy. There are many obstacles such as our egoism and high prestige to apologize someone and accept the forgiveness. Even sometimes we keep the revenge until many years and forgive someone is very difficult to do. It happens because we cannot forgive the person sincerely. We often say, “ My heart is still hurt. I never forgive him because his words hurt me. “ I can't forget her action that insulted me.” or we say “ why I have to apologize to him, he is an annoying person.” There are many reasons ans statements that we say to defend ourselves for not forgiving and apologizing to someone. However, we feel hurt, oppressed by painful feeling. As a result, bad feeling will haunt our mind and heart.

I had ever experienced the suffered things. The painful experience may may need time to be healed. At the time, I could not forgive my two colleagues' words that hurt my feeling. Fortunately, now I sincerely forgive them even though it needs a long process.

My first reaction when the bad thing happened to me, I reflected upon my self, looked for my mistakes that I had ever done to the colleagues so they could say bad words about me. I asked my self, “have ever I hurt them?” I tended to blame myself for that event. I told the event to my family and close friends. They empowered me and give support to me. They said, “ it is not your fault, but sometimes life doesn't run well. Sometimes event happen out of your control, but it's life. You must accept it and try to open your heart for forgiving them.”

However, at the time my egoism and hatred feeling made me difficult to forgive them. I close my heart for forgiveness. But it affected me, I cannot relax, calm and hatred feeling made me offended and cried. My self esteem and potency were getting decreased. Moreover, I cannot trust other people again, and I often feel suspicious. I could not have close relationship with my people around me. In my heart I asked to my self if someone could hurt me like my bad experience. The trust feeling to others was very little.

The protected behavior that I did could not give good result. I did not get satisfaction by not forgiving them. I could not get calm and happy life and it brought bad impact to other people or my relationship, and it also affected to my work. I could not obtain maximal result from my job. Finally, I reached to the point that I realized it; I had desire to recover my self, I must open My heart again to forgive them.

Firstly, I tried to think that “They are ordinary people like me that can make mistake.” I also often hurt others by my words and actions. I realized the other people want to forgive me. In addition, God also wants to accept my apology even I make mistake and sin everyday. The positive thinking finally make my mind stay calm down. Gradually I opened my heart, even there was a little hatred and disappointed feeling in my heart.

Secondly, I prayed to God do he help me accepting the fact that life sometimes does not run accordant to my wish. With the power of prayer, the hatred feeling slowly disappear.

To be continued ...